


Food

by AngelynMoon



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, As in Recipes to eat Family, Cannibalism, Family Recipies, Gen, Hobbit Culture & Customs, Hobbits Love Food, Hobbits will eat anything, How Do I Tag, Is this a Dead Dove: Hobbit will eat it?, Should tag dark probably, What Was I Thinking?, what else?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:15:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25037602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelynMoon/pseuds/AngelynMoon
Summary: Hobbits can and will eat anything if hungry enough.
Comments: 16
Kudos: 119





	1. Chapter 1

They arrive at Erebor and Bilbo is sent into Erebor to get the Arkenstone, but he's so hungry, with the lack of necessary meals and extraneous exercise that he's been doing Bilbo has been just on the edge of Starving since he left the Shire. (Were it not for the smell he would have eaten the Trolls, but he wasn't desperate enough then.)

So Bilbo enters Erebor and the Dragon is talking and gloating and he speaks on how he's going to devour Bilbo and Bilbo is just so hungry and well, Smaug starts to look appetizing enough.

It takes a day for the Dwarrow to cautiously enter the Mountain to look for Bilbo. They are prepared for a Dragon, for finding Bilbo nothing more than ash, what they are not prepared for is what they find.

"What?" Bilbo asked testily as the Dwarrow stared.

"How?" Thorin asked, sounding dazed as he stared at the dragon's skull, picked clean of scales and flesh.

"I was hungry, Hobbits eat seven meals a day, you know and it's not some quirk, with all the running and fighting, I just haven't been eating well enough to sustain myself, no offence but even Bombur was starting to look delicious, I know this really nice recipe with mushrooms, it would have been delightful." Bilbo said off-handedly as he turned the leg, ignoring the looks he was given, "Now I'd offer to share but the stomachs of other creatures are so delicate that I don't know if my seasoning would kill you, mmm, perhaps just as well that I didn't cook for you that night you arrived in my home."

Bilbo looked up from where he was rubbing something from the depths of the Mountain to flavor his dragon leg and saw the horrified looks the Dwarrow were casting him.

"We were starving you?" Ori asked in a tiny voice.

"Only a little, the spiders were a good hold over while we were in Mirkwood, I could have done without the taste of drunk elf though." Bilbo told them, "Don't give me that look, I didn't kill him, just nibbled on a toe, a foot at most, I was hungry!"

"Enough!" Thorin shouted, "We should find the Arkenstone."

"Oh..., um, I might have eaten it." Bilbo said, "I'm sorry, it looked like the little rocks my mom would bring home for treats from her adventures, tasted a little sour but still good."

"You... Ate... The... Arkenstone?" Thorin asked slowly.

"Consider it my share." Bilbo said, "I didn't realize it was the Arkenstone until after."

Thorin opened his mouth, likely to yell and Bilbo was in the mood for none of it.

"Don't make me eat you, Thorin Oakenshield, and not in a fun way we'll both enjoy." Bilbo glared and took a bite of the dragon leg, scales appearing to be no problem.

Thorin's mouth slammed shut.

\----

A/n: just a little blurb inspired by something from another story.

Bilbo just eats all their troubles away.

He's already eaten the One Ring along their journey.

There's no goldsickness that happens because Thorin is too terrified of Bilbo eating him to ignore his advice.

Eventually when the rest of the Dwarrow return to the Mountain, (Thorin, Fili, and Kili survive the battle of the five armies) they start leaving Bilbo offerings of food, mainly as well as other things that Bilbo finds useless but eats anyway. He gives quiet a few of Dwalin's new guardmen a start when one gifts him a dagger and Bilbo shrugs and chomps down on it as he walks away, (there may have been some poison attempts but well, Hobbits.)

At one point Bilbo threatens to eat Thranduil who just stares until one of his men screams out that he remembers a creature eating his foot, at which point Bilbo responds that it was a toe, two at most and rather distasteful at that, (the worst insult a Hobbit can give beside being inedible) and there is new respect for this small being, especially when a dazed Legolas reports that he saw the Hobbit eating an Orc after it tried to kill Legolas on their way back to the Mountain from Mirkwood.

Just Hobbits eat anything and everything because they can.


	2. Chapter 2

There have been howls outside the Mountain for days and it reminds Bilbo that even with the supplies from Mirkwood that they are a bit low in terms of food.

Bilbo recalls a winter when he was a child, a harsh and early winter that depleted Hobbit food stores quickly enough that some Hobbits resorted to eating their old ones.

It was something that happened, usually when the old ones felt themselves near death, they'd create a recipe for their families to cook them, so that they might live on in some way, that is of course why they were called Family Recipes.

During the winter they came to call the Fell Winter many of the old pretended that they were near enough to death, wanting their children and in some cases grandchildren to hopefully survive the Winter's cold.

Bilbo recalls the hunger, the way his own parents had carved flesh from their arms and legs to supplement Bilbo's meals, as a child he'd still been growing and he needed the flesh more than they did, or so they had claimed.

He recalls the way the other Hobbits had begun to eye their neighbors, and the way they killed their cats and dogs for meat.

He recalls the excitement and hunger on his mother's face when she first heard the distant cries of the wolves that first time. Recalls her leaving the next morning and not returning until two days later with the pelt of a wolf and the body of a creature she called an Orc.

They'd cooked the Orc and ate until they were full, his Mother eating less, she'd feasted on the wolf after all.

Once they'd eaten his Mother had made the choice to hunt again the following day, she'd brought back a larger wolf and dropped the Orc that had been with it with the Gamgees, they had more mouths to feed than her and as their Gardners it was only right that they provide that harsh Winter.

Bilbo hummed as he listened to the wolves and Wargs howling, he could still recall the recipe his mother created for the wolves she brought home, different from the one for the Orcs and goblins, after all there was more flavor to Orcs and goblins than wolves.

Bilbo entered Thorin's office where the Dwarf was speaking with Balin and Dwalin about the Wargs, Wolves, and Orcs that were coming too close to the Mountain for comfort.

"Bilbo? What did you need?" Thorin asked, he'd had a healthy dose of respect for Bilbo after watching him eat Smaug, scales and all.

"I was wondering what you planned on doing about the Wargs and Orcs." Bilbo told him, "I've been accounting our food supplies and we're woefully short. I have no problem with eating Orcs and I was actually curious if Dwarrow would be alright with supplementing our meat with Wolf."

Thorin and Dwalin stared at him like they hadn't thought about actually eating the meat of the wolves and Bilbo supposed they probably hadn't, most sentient beings didn't eat things they might call a pet, and Bilbo supposed they didn't eat members of their own species either except for Orcs and Goblins, as much as Bilbo disliked the common ground he had to admit that at least Orcs and Goblins were practical about food.

"Well, that would solve about half of our complaints, you'd want us to bring the Orcs for you?" Balin asked.

"Yes, since Dwarrow, Men, and Elves seem particular about what they eat it stands that they should get first choice and since I'm slightly bored of Spider I'd like some variety, Orc will do just fine, the fresher the better, my Mother had the most delightful recipe for both Orc and Goblin so it doesn't matter which you bring me, she also had a recipe for wolf if you'd like it." Bilbo offered, "And I know that your people don't eat their own, a waste if you ask me but I'd like to respect your traditions and well, it's getting harder and harder to ignore my desire to eat your old people."

Dwalin looked particularly troubled while Balin looked fascinated and Thorin looked a little sick, Bilbo could understand Dwalin's troubled look since as one of the older members of the Company and therefore of Bilbo's adoptive family Balin was one of the Dwarrows Bilbo had been eyeing hungrily along with Oin and Bifur, Bifur due to his handicap and the delightful Dwarf had even made Bilbo a recipe after Bilbo had explained about Hobbit tradition as well as a paper that Bilbo couldn't read but supposed was granting Bilbo permission to eat him per Hobbit customs.

Bilbo had called him Uncle ever since because it had been one of the sweetest things the Dwarf could give him.

"Right, okay then." Thorin said, "Dwalin, do you have anyone available to fetch our Hobbit food so he doesn't start eating our friends."

"Yeah, we'll leave immediately." Dwalin told him and went to gather the Dwarrow.

"You eat your old and dead?" Balin couldn't help asking.

"Well, we don't actually eat our dead." Bilbo began, "Most Hobbits can tell when they are heading into their final days, those days are use to create their Final Recipe, the one their children will use to cook them, after which the Recipe is passed down from parent to child for generations, that is what a Family Recipe is." Bilbo paused, "I suppose that your definition of family recipes differs."

"Yes, well, it's similar in that the recipe is passed down through the generations but not on that we use it to cook a family member."

"I had thought so." Bilbo told them, "Bifur gave me this and I had assumed it was permission, since he made me a Recipe that Ori had translated but I'd like to be sure." Bilbo handed the paper that Bifur had given him with the Recipe that Bilbo kept in his newly written out Family Recipe book, his Mother's Recipe and Father's Recipe the first to be re-recorded.

Balin carefully read through the paper before giving it back.

"It is permission, well, with Dwarrow as long as the heart is buried we believe that we will go to the halls of Mahal, of course the Heart for some refers to what they love most, be it Craft or another, so if a body can't be retrieved a Family might bury something the Dwarrow in question crafted or something their husband or wife crafted, this give permission for you to eat his physical body and requests that Bofur and Bombur bury something he made, it also asks that you offer Bofur and Bombur some of the meal, though they can accept or refuse as they see fit." Balin explained.

"Well, of course I'd offer, I'd share with all of you since we are a Company and that's almost as good as Family as far as I'm concerned." Bilbo told them, "I know Hobbits are a little different, if I didn't know that Dwarrow didn't eat other Races I'd have offered you My Recipe on our Journey, I made one because that's what Hobbits do, I gave it to Bombur but didn't explain really that he should cook me with it."

"You'd want us to eat you if you died?" Thorin asked, he looked more curious than sick now.

"Well, yes, but I suppose you'd rather bury me and I that will do, but I insist that you plant a fruit tree over me and at least eat of the tree, then you'll be eating me, indirectly but good enough." Bilbo explained.

"I think that we should find Ori, so that he can record this, do you have a preference for the fruit tree?" Balin asked as he began to guide Bilbo from Thorin's office.

"Not particularly, I mean, Hobbits really eat anything if hungry enough, I mean I've been snacking on the Mushrooms I've found and Bofur has been bringing me some of the crawlies that he encounters during clean up, I've had Gloin yell at me for eating some of the trinkets in the Treasury, I suppose that's fine, I have asked for some of the less precious trinkets, which he's gladly set aside for me, telling his helper it's my share, but I'd rather not eat your trinkets, I know how much stock Dwarrows put in their creations." Bilbo told Balin as they walked down the hall, "And I have been eating some of the rubble that's everywhere, and I must say your Mountain is delicious, I haven't tasted rocks so yummy since the ones My Father saved from his building Bag End."

"Thank you." Balin said, slightly bemused about Bilbo's compliment on their Mountain.

They spent the next few hours with Ori, writing down the traditions of Hobbits Recipes and Traditions.

Bilbo was glad when Dwalin returned with a few Wolves and Wargs for the Dwarrow to eat and two Goblins for Bilbo, he was even more delighted when he discovered them only unconscious.

He spent the following hours with Bombur, sharing his Mother's Wolf/Warg Recipe, exchanging some of the seasonings that were apparently harmful to Dwarrow and cooking his own meal for the night.

Bombur looked slightly fascinated with Bilbo's food and Bilbo decided to make one Goblin with exchanged seasonings, just in case that Dwarrow wanted to try it, he didn't expect it but well, what kind of family would he be if he didn't let them have the option.

\--

A/n: i'm sorry.

This idea came after reading a comment and I thought about the Hobbits during the Fell Winter.

My self prompt was as follows: 

Premise: Hobbits can and will eat anything. There's a reason Orcs and Goblins don't come to the Shire and it's not the Rangers. 

During the Fell Winter, hunger drives them to forget just why they avoid the Shire.

Meanwhile the Hobbits' food stores have been running low with the Early and Harsher than usual Winter. They are most pleased when the Freezing of the Brandywine brings the arrival of Orc, Wargs, and Wolves to the Shire.

The Hobbits are Hungry and ready to Feast.

Sorry I just love a twist on the Helpless Hobbit Trope, my Hobbits are not Helpless just Hungry.

Honestly gotta love Hungry, Hungry, Hobbits.

If you want to use this prompt let me know or put an inspired by, I might want to read it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An excerpt from a universe adjacent. Inspired by Selene_Aduial's comment.

In an Alternate Universe Far, Far away, where it never occurs to Bilbo to eat a little trinket when he hungers so deeply, where he does not linger in a very, very lonely Mountain and instead returns, belly empty and aching to a silent and still Hobbit Hole and takes in an orphaned little Hobbitling that was not granted his parents' Family Recipes is where our tale takes place.

:  
Pippin is so very hungry, still young enough that skipping meals is not wise, not wise at all.

He looks to Merry, as he so often does when they are out and about, because Merry is Elder and he knows things that Pippin is yet to learn.

Merry smiles at him and pauses, begins the set up for making Pippin his food and Pippin feels excitement begin to overwhelm his hunger for a few brief moments, dashing around to collect a few flavorings.

Aragorn frowns at the sight of the Hobbits making a temporary camp, something he cannot allow. "Gentlemen, we do not stop 'til nightfall."

"What about breakfast?" Pippin whines, his belly empty and he begins to think about all the meat that Aragorn makes, he'd make a delightful meal Pippin thinks.

Merry glances up but does not still his hand just yet.

"You've already had it." Aragorn tells them sternly.

"We've had one, yes. What about second breakfast?" Pippin says, trying his best to not whine and at Merry's look he knows he's failed but Pippin is young, still a baby really.

Aragorn rolls his eyes and turns from them, continuing on his way.

Merry steps up to Pippin, "I don't think he knows about second breakfast, Pip." 

There is a sadness in his voice and Pippin knows that Merry is going to sneak away to find something for Pippin to snack on because eating Rangers is not an acceptable thing to do, even if Pippin is hungry.

"What about elevenses? Luncheon? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper? He knows about them, doesn't he?" Pippin asked, voice panicked, because he needs those meals, he needs.them or he's going to eat Aragorn.

"I wouldn't count on it." Merry tells him as he walks after Aragorn.

Pippin stares dejectedly until an apple hits him and he grabs it with delight, eating it, core and all and begging Aragorn for more, which the man gives him, smiling at jim almost indulgently as Pippin eats and eats.

Finally Aragorn hands him some bread and seems surprised when Pippin requests more time and time again, he seems even more shocked that Pippin eats more than the others when the make camp, Sam filling his plate several times more than the other Hobbits.

Pippin falls asleep full but he still worries because the hunger was bad enough that day and he knew that Merry and Sam and Frodo couldn't keep feeding him their shares, he knew they would, adults would feed a baby Hobbit their own flesh if none other was available to sustain them.

But for now, Pippin went to sleep with a full belly, not knowing that eventually he and Merry would get the chance to taste Uncle Bilbo's recipe for Orc and Goblin and Warg.

\--

A/n: this was inspired by Selene_Aduial's comment.

In this universe Adjacent Bilbo doesn't eat the Ring or the Arkenstone and things happen canonically where Throin, Fili, and Kili die and Bilbo goes home to the Shire.

Gandalf, unaware of a Hobbits' ability to eat anything doesn't suggest this end to the Ring and thus the journey goes on. 

I suppose it's possible that Frodo and Sam eat Gollum when they get hungry enough on the way to Mordor, don't know.

It's been a while since I've watched The Lord of the Rings, sorry.


End file.
